Today I send a little extra love to all my family, friends, and acquaintances. Know that however you have come into my life, you have had an influence. We tend to think that our influence on people is miniscule, and it may seem as such, but when we take the time to look back and reflect on what people have done for us, what they have become to us, nothing seems very small anymore.

Those moments of laughter that we share. The funny looks and flashes of eye contact. The simple words that strike us to our soul, that bring anger or acceptance…All of these things add up to make us into the person we are at this exact moment. No moment, no matter how “small,” is insignificant. We are made up of the experiences we have and share.

I came across this quote recently,

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.

We can get so caught up in how people see us, but the truth is they will see what they are ready to see or want to see. If you spend your time caring about how to make people see the “you” that you want them to see, you would have no time to do anything else, including live and create the memories and experiences that make up the “you” that you want to be in the first place.

I lost a very good friend recently, someone I have considered a brother for well over the majority of my life. As I sat in shock to the information I had received, a world away from that life and that place, I was brought back to all the memories and experiences I had shared with him.

It is okay to not be okay.

People told me it is going to be okay. But the truth is, it is not okay. It is not okay to lose a brother who was only 27. Who had been married to the love of his life for only two years. Who had so much love and happiness to offer to every person he met. That is not okay. But it is something we learn to live with a little more each day. And that does not mean that we forget him, and I want to be clear that it never makes what happened “okay.” But we take it breath by breath, day by day. We live in the memory of him. In that way, he never dies. He exists in each one of us that he met and influenced.

Someone said at the funeral that losing a loved one is like a scar from surgery. You learn to live with it, and some days you may forget its there. But at times you will hit it unexpectedly, and the scar will feel as fresh and as painful as the first day, and you will have to heal again.

I recall laying in bed beside my partner, running on auto-function for the past week, hardly able to speak cohesive sentences, let alone address people and social media. He turned to me and shared something that reached through the veiled cloud that surrounded me. That we could be the things we love most about those we have lost. That we can just pick one thing, one way that they influenced us and incorporate that into our lives, and in that way, they live on.

In memory of Cody Allen Chapman, I will be more of a “yes” person. I will chase the things I care about, take care of the people I care for. I will live in memory of him and carry him with me through this life. Oh, and of course, I will wear my hat backwards.